Velociraptor Awareness

Which extremist may I ask, was it Captain 401?

Yes, but he hasn't seen the last of me!

You realise he can read what you say... right?

It'll be too late by the time I'm done with him?

You do realise he has expertise with guns, what do you have, exactly?

Well I was planning on asking if I could borrow your sword, the pellet rifle, and your nunchuks.

The sword is a replica not meant to deal damage, the pellet would only just injure him but likely just set him off, and... What nunchuks...?

...

Don't tell me you're talking about the Wii ones...?

...Well

That's enough out of you.

Wait-

Anyway, we must make plans to officially end raptorism.

Damn straight I'm a firearms master. I'll hit a target a mile out, and if you heard my shot, you weren't my target that time.

As if MG9097's firearms expertise weren't bad enough, I am capable of choking a person out over a Skype call, just so you know. Well, more specifically, just so the captain knows. Also, Raptorism has been ended. When we were the Rebellion, we took that idea and put it into practice. We treated all the Raptors equally and gave them choice of their positions. We won less than a month after their training was complete and they were deployed. 

Take that! I didn't even have to break out the Barrett.

MG, that's enough. You don't have to make your DAF equivalent feel bad.

Well, I don't HAAAAAAAVE to, I want to.

I feel like you two would get along. Now shut up. 

Make me.

I'll tell them about your feelings.

Hey, let's not be unreasonable here. I was done talking anyway.

That's what I thought.

Well that's good we ended it,

AS IF!!! I would have blocked your bullets with my swords!

You have only one "real" sword, and are your sure it could block a bullet? And even if it can, how would you know to block the bullet?

Granted it's easier said than done, but that's not the point!

Look the past what, 2 years you haven't been shutting up about ruining the rebellion, aren't you glad we've reached a point of detente? That was-

SHUT UP I'M EVIL

No you're not, honestly you just seem to be that one edgy guy who's mad at the world for his weakness and takes a cynical approach to everything.

Hey, that didn't have to be personal.

Then stop, don't make me tell them about your crush on-

I'LL STOP, JUST DON'T TELL THAT STORY.

Exactly.

Bitch! .50 BMG FMJ rounds will blow your sword in half! Hell, so would hollowpoints, and then the hollowpoint would tear you-

What did I say? 

He started it. Besides, yeah, he wouldn't be able to block bullets. His best friend don't have the ability to sense when things are off like my best friend.

We aren't friends, we are alter egos. The only reason I save you is because personally I like breathing.

Well, if he's evil, what am I? Because I'm worse than him.

Psychotic. Batshit crazy. Loopy. A wacko. Now shut up, it isn't April anymore.

...

Well then...

Soooooo, anyone else want to prepare for next April?

I have a Death Star, what more do I need?

Guns! Tanks! Pitfall traps!

We don't need that. We have a Death Star with a PLANET DESTROYING LASER. Besides, I have the force.

Screw you and your magic!

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the force. 

Did you just?

Yes.

..........

Ha, this force is nothing against me!

Shut up, you've only seen 2 Star Wars movies and just parodies of them.

How do you know!?

BECAUSE I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO OF THEM.

Did you Fernando, did you?

YES.

Well, when you put it like that...

Anyways, let's do make plans for next April.

It begins with domination.

That's it, time to tell them about your crush on B-

I'll LEAVE.

Anyway, my plan is to begin a Raptor Deal program, including the integration of raptors into our JW society.

Our slogan is to #MakeJWForumGreatAgain

Hey! Captain 401! We're on the same team! 

It it is true. The Rebellion and DAF joined forces and we are now the Galactic Empire, which is under my control.

He's threatening us though.

And we'll deal with him if and when necessary.

Can't we just kill him now

No. We can't just go killing officers because you want to. Besides, the Captain and this 'Fernando' guy are just like us.

How?

There's us, the voice of reason and sanity. Then there's you two, the psychopaths who just want to watch the world burn. 

We are NOTHING alike! Now let's kill him!

You're so similar. It's not even funny. No, we won't kill him. But if you insist on killing him, the janitor on the level with the bar has been drinking on the job again and making a bigger mess than what he started with. We'll kill him. 

But he's on the other side of the station.

So?

So?! This battle station is the size of a god damn moon!

So? You know that smart phone doohickey? I'd imagine someone in this room has his number. We'll FaceTime him or something and I can choke him out from here. 

I'm starting to like your magic.

Man, killing that guy over a camera phone was fun. We should kill faceless grunts more often.

Only if they screw up royally and/or often.

Fine.

I've been informed there's a planet that some stray DAF members have been hiding out on and it's within range.

Within range?

Let's test out the planet destroying laser again. Just to make sure it works.

Hell yeah! A planet full of things I hate and we can blow it up. What are we waiting for. 

Nothing.

Any idea how many casualties there'll be? 

Enough.

Define 'enough'.

It's a habitable planet. Its citizens are hiding DAF conspirators. Reason enough to simply blow it up.

Sweet.

Heh... he left to go make an iced coffee... Here is my time to shine.

You may think you'll win, but the DAF shall remain strong, and- oh shit it's him!

What do you think you're doing? Get off the computer I need to study for the huge test on Friday, and you're gonna help me.

What, why me!?

Because you are me, you narcissistic tool.

Hey, no need to be so harsh.

Well I'm sick of your BS. Also we're on the same side, so I suggest you and 9097 realize the stuff you have in common. Honestly, I don't which one of you is crazy, but if you excuse I'm gonna have to take away the PC from you.

But-

No buts.

Hehehehe... you said-

That's it.

Hey what's with that look, wait WAIT-

There's no doubt that both of them are crazy. It's just who's crazier?

I did not leave to make an iced coffee. I left to go blow up a planet! What do you do for fun? Conspire against me? I'll blow up your home planet for shits and giggles!

MG, calm down.

He was conspiring against me, again! And he said I was making a sissy ass iced coffee!

Get over yourself. It isn't April anymore either, you should be gone.

You no longer have the emotional capacity to hold me back.

You're too emotional. 

Am not. 

Do I have to tell them why that blonde girl has the cushy job of handling our taxes?

We don't have taxes though. We blew up that planet.

I know. Do I have to tell them why that blonde girl get paid to sit there and look pretty?

You wouldn't.

I would.

Wait, we may think we won? We won last month! The DAF is broken up, and only the Empire remains! Any more DAF members that remain will be hunted down and KILLED! And Captain, I'll kick your ass into next week! I'll shove you into the garbage disposal and crush you. I'll-

The blonde's official position is to do paperwork. Since we don't have paperwork because we prefer force, she gets paid to sit at a desk and play on her phone using the Death Star's free wifi. Why does she get paid to do that? Well, you see, she hugged Major General 9097 and he loves her now. 

You, you, you actually told them. I can't believe you actually told them. That was a low blow right in the ego. 

Are be you going to shut up when I tell you to?

Yes.

Good.

Heh, when I said "he" left to go make iced coffee, I was referring to the crazy guy who keeps on kicking me out of the computer, you presumptuous assuming filth!!!

Ha! A hug!? Hugs are for the weak, I myself do not get distracted by women, I instead focus on-

I frick-fracking knew it, I come back with my iced coffee to see you making false threats.

Aw dammit, how do you know exactly when I get online!?

You're part of me, dumbass.

Shut it, besides what's up with you and iced coffees?

Well I need to them to get energetic for the big tests, they taste good, and wait a second.. You're criticizing him for being "weak" against hugs? Do I need to mention the time when that girl said she loved you and even though she didn't mean it romantically you told me-

What the hell, why are you telling them this?

I didn't even finish.

Well you still gave the details!

Look I need to go, at first I was beginning to like because for a solid year you kept offline, but now in the week I tell you we need to prepare ourselves for the hardest exams, you do this. This is already really long

that'swhatshesaid.

---

...

*Gets angry in Spanish*

....no... NOT IN SPANISH, ANYTHING BUT-

Uh... Feel like a part of me just died... literally.

Anyway... All raptors are created equal, and uh, gonna go take take a pain-killer.

FILTH!? You think I'm filth? I'm in charge of the group that took over everything. My side won the war! I'm in charge of a god damn Death Star! You keep getting kicked off a damn computer. "Filth" is a big word for you, keyboard warrior. 

You two are identical.

He probably lives in his parent's basement! I'm in charge of a moon sized battle station!

Valid point. 

I feel as though there's something else that should have pushed me off the edge.

He called you weak for enjoying hugs. I see nothing wrong with hugs myself, we all need a little love. Apparently, he doesn't get distracted by women. You know what that means.

Yeah, he drops the soap on purpose.

Good thing we don't have to worry about that because our secretary friend got a raise. 

Yeah, and came with her promotion.

It's good to be in charge.

That it is.

What are you talking about, no one won, it was a tie, and it was mainly a Cold War, at least between the Rebellion and DAF.

First off... that was quite accurate... I guess maybe one of your chromosomes isn't dis-functional after all.

AND HUGS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

And now I think you're a dumbass again. Twas' good while it lasted though. Also he's the one who pretends he doesn't get distracted, I mean let me just copy and paste his search history-

If you show that I promise you I will kill you.

You mean suicide, and it can't be that bad... Oh Christ... Wait what the f...

......

...

...

.......... I can't even.

Same with the-

I don't want to know, gonna go douse my eyes in holy water.

Oh come one it's just a title.

It is, and never before have I realised the power of words.

Uh let's change the subject.

We agree on something.

So uh... What do we own...?

We're not supposed to tell them about the bases... XD you see what they said about the death star?

Yeah the one that got destroyed by some girl who found some documents of the weak point of the death star and allowed some dude who was in love with his sister to blow it up with one shot?

Yeah, that one.

Anyway, what should we do?

Study... Time to review the Progressive Era and Teddy.

Like teddy bears?

No, Teddy Roosevelt, dumbass.

You keep on calling me that, how come you don;'t come up with better insults? I expect better of you.

Well it suits you. Well gonna study and uh, I guess go create plans to improve the power of the DAF bases.

Great, the pissing contest is back.

Now what?

Get mad, scream f*ck it.

What about our friend? The one who hugs us. 

Yeah, talk to her for a bit. Get a hug.

Then what?

We don't respond to them anymore.

The only one who hugs us? The secretary, sure, she...... You know, but it's not the same. 

I meant the Captain dumbass.

Phew.

Wait, what was the point of this entire war?

Well, it...... it........ the goal kinda....... got....... changed as time went on. At one point it was for forum domination, then it turned to something or another, and then it stopped when the goal was equality.

Well, wasn't there equality? Before the Captain and his sketchy browser history showed up?

I...... yeah. There was equality. Everyone was treated equally. Everyone pulled their weight and everyone was happy.

So, what's the Captain's problem?

No clue.

What even started this war?

Someone started Velociraptor awareness month, and Delta took credit for it, saying it was part of his plan for forum domination. I was on his side and I've stuck with this side.

I'm confused. We achieved our goal, but now-

Dude, you're giving me a headache. Can we figure this one out later. We have, plans to put into motion.

Why?

A pissing contest!? Why I can aim straight at the target from 5 feet without having an-

Dude, he didn't mean "pissing contest" literally, you dirty-minded dipshit. And you can't even go farther than a metre.

Alright, calm down with the insults, and metres!? Speak American! And maybe we should stop this... I mean besides you making me feel worthless, I see this as futile since it's clear you'll never let your rationality consider betraying our allies to have the DAF take over.

Well because the DAF is about raptor equality and equality for dinosaurs (#DinoLivesMatter) and it seems we have achieved it.

I thought you hated hashtags...

Well I did, but they're fun to use and it allowed us to promote raptor equality through the broad from of social media.

What caused the war...?

Well, the one with Raptor Awareness?

Yup.

I started a discussion about Raptor Awareness, Delta used it to begin his plans to take over or something evil, I along with Winston Chur- I mean Paden, Stalin I mean Primal King, and Franklin Dela- I mean Rex Fan formed the DAF. Then-

What was that?

What?

You confused the founders of the DAF with the countries who met up to stop World War II...

Studying for History.

Oh... go on.

And well threats were fired and we backed off afetr a month like real men, and uh Delta vanished, DAF and The Rebellion remained, we realised we all sought raptor equality, joined forces, and we're here. There's much more to it, but do you honestly give a shit?

Well uh...

Exactly.

Wonder what happened with Delta...

Feel like there's a higher chance we'll find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop before we found it. I, however, like to imagine that the current leader of the Rebellion betrayed him by killing him,and pushing him off of a tower, or a bridge, or some high place with fog and other cliche dramatic shit while he laughed at his new power. Then he told all the other he left and took over, attempting to cover up the history of Delta like Stalin did with one of his old comrades who I don't remember the name of... Proving he did a good job.

Interesting... Will there ever be another war?

Well considering all the event that have occurred... No.

Dammit... Could I start one in the future?

No!

Please?

No!

Would you let me do it for a Scooby Snack?

I'm not a ****ing dog!

Fine...

It's the Galactic Empire, thank you very much. Since I was the only one left with higher authority on either side, and since we joined forces, I took charge. 

Can't we just........ get along? Everyone was getting along when Vader and I were in charge and it was peaceful. Let's just stay with that.

...